Catch My Breath
by zashaxander
Summary: One day. One day where so much happened, caught up in murder and violence and THE murder and violence, the murder that's shaped her whole life. The day ends with a pretence, an act, only the acting is real and they only begin to pretend when they step off the stage...


Catch My Breath

* * *

1

Their lips were locked together, burning, on fire… His back slammed against the wall, she pressed herself against him, her hands scrabbling at his clothes, touching every part of him she could reach until-

She pushed herself away, her hands on the wall on either side of his head, hair tumbling around her face as she forced herself to look at the floor. She took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Castle, I-"

"Look at me," he murmured. She bit her lip, raising her eyes to meet his. He saw right through her, just as he always had.

"What do you want, Kate?"

Her mind was whirling, a tornado of emotion, pain, fear, anger, sadness, desire…

"I…" she began, but there were no words to explain what she felt. She needed him, she needed to touch him, she needed him to touch her, she couldn't bear this, she couldn't bear him being with her, she couldn't-

"I couldn't have done it without you, Castle."

She didn't even know how they were here…

* * *

Kate stepped into the ambulance, feeling the strain in her knees, finally noticing how tired she was.

"Hey there Chuck Norris," she said, flashing him a smile as she picked up his hand. He'd messed up the bandage already; she began to straighten it, gently, tenderly, running her fingers over his palm, lingering as much as she could.

"Uh," he was distracted by her touch, "excruciating. How's Ryan and Esposito?"

She joked about their wounded pride, but her relief at their safety was obvious. Castle smiled.

"Thank you," she said to him suddenly. "For having my back in there."

He looked up at her, his expression so determined, so safe…

"Always."

It was the look he'd given her before, the look when they… She knew they wouldn't talk about it. They'd never bring it up, never. They never brought anything up. Two cowards, hiding behind murder and guns and sadness, hiding behind broken hearts and mystery writing and-

Her lips brushed against his before she knew what she was doing. It was the look, the look that pulled her in. His eyes were hypnotic, his face was her solace, his hands, on her waist now, pulling her in, his hands were the only hands she belonged in.

It only lasted a second. They were surrounded by people, they had to move anyway, they had to-

"Let me buy you a drink."

It wasn't a question. It was an order. Castle liked that. He jumped out of the ambulance with a schoolboy grin, then held out his hand for her to step down elegantly.

* * *

"So…" they were on their third beer. Kate had rolled up her sleeves, her jacket was on the back of the booth, she'd even taken her gun off.

"So," Kate replied. She could feel Castle watching her, his eyes caressing her body, the way her sweater hugged her in all the right places.

"You need something stronger," he told her, waving to the bartender and beginning to communicate in a language Kate didn't think she'd ever understand. Straight whiskey.

"It'll warm you up," he said.

How did he know she felt cold? She was only cold inside… She sipped it, feeling the burn at the back of her throat as she swallowed. Castle drank some of his own, still watching her.

"Better?" he asked. Kate nodded.

She didn't want to be alone. She was going to finish her drink, she might even have another one but in the end they would have to leave. They would have to go home. She would have to go home, alone, and to bed, alone.

* * *

He just looked at her, waiting for her to speak. She closed her eyes.

* * *

"Would you… Would you come home with me?"

She asked before she could think about how it would sound. She asked before she could stop herself.

"What about Josh?"

It was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't say it. Because he had to have her and if this was the only way… It wasn't who she was. If she was asking for him, she was his, his and only his. He was in no position to judge her, and besides, he knew without any doubt, without any shadow of a doubt, that her heart was pure, that she was good.

They got in a cab, the alcohol making them sway together as they had pretended to earlier. It was all a blur, coming back to Kate in flashes as she let Castle put his arm around her and nestled into his embrace.

It was wrong. It was so wrong. But so were lies…

Kissing him had been the first thing she'd done with him in months that hadn't felt like a lie. They had been pretending, acting, putting on a show… And she couldn't remember ever feeling so alive, so honest, so real. Raw emotion, raw passion, raw desire-

* * *

Desire. Lust. Lo-

"I want… you."

Several books tumbled out of the bookcase as he slammed her against it. There might have been some irony or something in there somewhere if either of them had been aware enough to notice it.

Her sweater hit the floor with her morals. She stepped out of her shoes as she let go of her control. He kissed her chest that still felt stained with blood, blessing her safety, stroking the smooth, unharmed skin. She pulled his shirt apart, running her hands over his muscular torso, taking it in, taking in the feel of him, his strength, his power…

He stopped, breathing heavily, clenching his fists as he moved away from her, his arousal obvious but his determination also clear.

"I can't," he said to her. "And I know you can't either."

Kate let herself flop against the bookcase, winded by the truth. He passed her the sweater, crumpled and undignified. She pulled it on, blushing, tugging a hand through her tangled hair. He was already heading for the door.

"Don't," she called. "Don't go."

He turned. "Kate, I-"

She'd recovered herself a little now. "Castle, we've spent almost every day together for the past three years, and we've managed to keep our hands off each other without a slip until today. I can do it if you can."

Castle stood still.

"You'll never forgive yourself," he warned her.

"I know," she sighed. She sat down on the couch, trying to relax. It helped when he settled down beside her, his arm fitting neatly behind her, his hand stroking her shoulder. She bit her lip, trying to stop the tears that bubbled to her eyes from falling.

"Hey, hey," he said when he noticed. "It's going to be okay."

"I know!" she said, almost angry. "I just… Why did… Why now?"

"Come on, Beckett, you've been into me since the day we met."

Kate gave him a playful shove. "I have not."

He just chuckled.

"Poor Josh," she said softly.

"You have to do what's right for you. He'll understand. It's not your fault."

"No… It's yours, really."

"Oh yeah? How d'you figure?"

"If you weren't always so damn handsome and cute all the time I wouldn't feel like this."

"So you're saying you wish I were an asshole?"

"Yes. I wish you were an asshole and I wish I hated you."

"Liar."

Kate got off the couch. "I have to go to sleep. Go to my room."

"What?"

"You can sleep in there. I'll take the couch."

"Kate-"

"Castle. Lock the door. I don't want you to go but you're right, I'm not a cheater… I just don't know, after today, if I can…"

He stood up and pulled her into a hug. "You're far stronger than you give yourself credit for. But okay. I'll lock the door. Goodnight, Kate."

"Goodnight, Rick."

* * *

A/N: There will be more. Soon. (Also, the song by Kelly Clarkson of the same title is something you should listen to because I didn't know but it's actually pretty relevant IMO.) Review please!


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